I have a problem. Seriously.
I drink a Sugar-Free Amp almost every single day before Ballet.
Do you know what is in that crap?!
CRAP! It's all fake, 14 letter-long words that sound more intimidating than the clicking language they spoke in my village in Namibia.
However, since I started drinking this heart-attack-at-25-years-old-in-a-can, I've been able to focus so much more & actually do petite allegro. Except when Jill's watching. Never when she's watching.
I don't think it's just in my head, since there's millions of milligrams of caffeine in one serving (half a can).
I don't know what to do about it. I suppose I should have the will power to just stop. Now it seems like I have a drug problem. Are they really that bad? I refuse to use Styrofoam ever ever ever because it's bad for the environment, but I don't mind drinking things that could melt said Styrofoam to ash. Gross.
This was a semi-worthless entry, since I have no solution or explanation for my ridiculous problem. Maybe someone has created EDAA. Energy Drinker Addicts Anonymous. I'd like to find out.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Mind over Matter. MindOverMatter. Mind over...crap I forgot the combination.
I wanted to write this a long time ago, but I wrote it down and then forgot!
As pessimistic and childish/dramatic as it sounds, I don't think I could ever dance to my full potential if I seriously disliked my instructor's teaching style. I can't focus on anything else except what I want or don't want them to do. I know it isn't my choice and that I have to do whatever they tell me, even if they said to stand on my head, but I have a serious over-thinking or distraction problem.
Maybe I was having a bad day, but I have trouble focusing when we have subs in ballet. Usually, if something is bothering me (i.e. an injury), I can focus on what I'm supposed to be doing and worry about the minor pain later. When I'm distracted, the pain seems to get worse and I get so angry/sad/frustrated/numerous other negative adjectives, I feel like crying. That needs to stop. That crying thing.
It's embarrassing.
And counter-productive.
And messy unless you're wearing water-proof mascara.
And distracting.
And embarrassing.
And it needs to stop.
As pessimistic and childish/dramatic as it sounds, I don't think I could ever dance to my full potential if I seriously disliked my instructor's teaching style. I can't focus on anything else except what I want or don't want them to do. I know it isn't my choice and that I have to do whatever they tell me, even if they said to stand on my head, but I have a serious over-thinking or distraction problem.
Maybe I was having a bad day, but I have trouble focusing when we have subs in ballet. Usually, if something is bothering me (i.e. an injury), I can focus on what I'm supposed to be doing and worry about the minor pain later. When I'm distracted, the pain seems to get worse and I get so angry/sad/frustrated/numerous other negative adjectives, I feel like crying. That needs to stop. That crying thing.
It's embarrassing.
And counter-productive.
And messy unless you're wearing water-proof mascara.
And distracting.
And embarrassing.
And it needs to stop.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Newsflash:
Today I had fun in ballet.
I said this, out loud, and looked around for the person from whose mouth it must've come. There was no one there-- it was me! I said I had fun in ballet!
I should explain my insanity a bit. I usually enjoy myself. I love learning and I love learning how to do things better. I love to be challenged and finally comprehend how to overcome the challenge. However, the comprehending part doesn't happen often. Usually I feel like the challenge is a car, and I'm supposed to be the passenger. Usually, the car either drags me behind it or runs right over me. Then we're asked to do petite allegro again (!) and the car backs up and runs over me. Again. Then I must get up and do grand allegro.
Reason # 452 Why Alivia Cannot Leap/Ever Do Grand Allegro:
She's recovering from being run over by a Range Rover, twice. No big deal.
Could I be more dramatic? Possibly. I know it doesn't seem like it, but this is what goes through my head in ballet class.
BUT TODAY WAS DIFFERENT! Today I felt like Jill speaks: "You should be so excited to do rond de jambe! You love it!"
I did! I DO!
I just kept repeating all of the corrections I could remember while doing the exercises. Hipforward, thigh back. Shoulders relaxed. Tight knees. Push the thigh. After each one worked, I felt like saying "DUH." Outloud. That's how I feel after a "complicated" combination suddenly makes sense. After petite allegro, I thought "Oh, we have time, I hope she says to do it again so I can work on it another time; I think I've got it!"
As long as Jill doesn't look at me. Then it's all over. If anyone anywhere has any suggestions for this, I'd love to hear them. Nothing I do works! Pretend you're onstage. Everyone is looking at you. Nope. Pretend she's doing something else! Nope. When I think "Oh, show her you can do it!" I get performance anxiety and get so nervous I forget the combination, and if you asked me, probably my name.
What the heck?
I think I need to remember that I have a "Happy Place" when I get nervous, or when I'm wiggling, wobbling or unstable in general. My happy place is when I pretend that a group of little kids come into class (or where ever I am) to watch me dance. Usually I think about the kids that were in my Creative Movement class, or the babies I met in Namibia. They're so awed by dancing, all I want to do is dance for them and make them happy. That's my happy place. It relaxes me to the point where I don't wiggle or fall or forget to breathe- things just work.
So anyway. Today, ballet was fun. I did have lots of caffeine before class, so that probably helped a lot. That's not good, but it's the only variable I can think of that was changed.
I said this, out loud, and looked around for the person from whose mouth it must've come. There was no one there-- it was me! I said I had fun in ballet!
I should explain my insanity a bit. I usually enjoy myself. I love learning and I love learning how to do things better. I love to be challenged and finally comprehend how to overcome the challenge. However, the comprehending part doesn't happen often. Usually I feel like the challenge is a car, and I'm supposed to be the passenger. Usually, the car either drags me behind it or runs right over me. Then we're asked to do petite allegro again (!) and the car backs up and runs over me. Again. Then I must get up and do grand allegro.
Reason # 452 Why Alivia Cannot Leap/Ever Do Grand Allegro:
She's recovering from being run over by a Range Rover, twice. No big deal.
Could I be more dramatic? Possibly. I know it doesn't seem like it, but this is what goes through my head in ballet class.
BUT TODAY WAS DIFFERENT! Today I felt like Jill speaks: "You should be so excited to do rond de jambe! You love it!"
I did! I DO!
I just kept repeating all of the corrections I could remember while doing the exercises. Hipforward, thigh back. Shoulders relaxed. Tight knees. Push the thigh. After each one worked, I felt like saying "DUH." Outloud. That's how I feel after a "complicated" combination suddenly makes sense. After petite allegro, I thought "Oh, we have time, I hope she says to do it again so I can work on it another time; I think I've got it!"
As long as Jill doesn't look at me. Then it's all over. If anyone anywhere has any suggestions for this, I'd love to hear them. Nothing I do works! Pretend you're onstage. Everyone is looking at you. Nope. Pretend she's doing something else! Nope. When I think "Oh, show her you can do it!" I get performance anxiety and get so nervous I forget the combination, and if you asked me, probably my name.
What the heck?
I think I need to remember that I have a "Happy Place" when I get nervous, or when I'm wiggling, wobbling or unstable in general. My happy place is when I pretend that a group of little kids come into class (or where ever I am) to watch me dance. Usually I think about the kids that were in my Creative Movement class, or the babies I met in Namibia. They're so awed by dancing, all I want to do is dance for them and make them happy. That's my happy place. It relaxes me to the point where I don't wiggle or fall or forget to breathe- things just work.
So anyway. Today, ballet was fun. I did have lots of caffeine before class, so that probably helped a lot. That's not good, but it's the only variable I can think of that was changed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)