Constant Flow of Not Focusing.

I used to have a constant flow of thoughts, questions and arguments, in my head during ballet and directly after class, or watching a performance.

I now have this new, weird rationalization that stops these thoughts...but focus has not taken it's place. I think about how ballet is the opposite of natural. "If you're comfortable, it's wrong." Then I think "Yes, but it's making me stronger and it's only an hour and a half and it makes me better at modern, which I love. I'll put myself through torture for modern." I call this rationalizing, but this may be the brainwashing I've mentioned. Maybe I'm brainwashed. If I'm brainwashed into thinking the things we do in ballet, as well as the mindset and words used in the teaching of ballet, I'd be more focused and happy in ballet. I'm not.

 My body hurts everywhere there's a joint...so, everywhere. It hurts everywhere. Awesome, this really makes me want to go to class, in pain, while getting yelled at that my leg isn't high enough or my weight isn't distributed correctly. What I'm thinking now that all of my existential crises are being semi-explained or, at least, ignored, is "Did I eat two ice cream cones or one today? I wonder if Nikki is getting me a tea. I love tea. If I didn't eat any ice cream, I can have some later. I wonder how much I weigh now. Did I write down what I had for lunch? Is it pique on 5 hold 6 or 7 close 8? I wonder if anyone is looking at me right now. I hope no one is looking at me. I hope they aren't judging me. The ballet world, as well as college, was created around judgment, however, so I'm guessing they're judging me. Damn. I messed up the combination. Well, one more side and we'll be on adage and I love adage. Okay, focus. Look at the exit sign. Focus. Did someone just open the door?"

I've got to work on that.